I just love to see the white, clouded sky beyond leafless tree branches, and feel the cold weather. It's such a pity we only get a few weeks a year of this kind of weather...

I'm reading a lot lately, nearly 2 books per week.
Plus, I'm addicted to HoI 2, surprisingly.

I'm almost free!
I'm almost done, and I'll start writing the first part...

I don't know what's going on, but she should be back already, and I've got no news from her. Maybe her flight got delayed? Maybe her cellphone's still off, maybe they went somewhere else?..

I just don't know..

Okay, I've been waking up at noon (around 5.30-6pm) for the last two months, and going to sleep when dawn breaks (around 7-7.30am). Living only during the Night is.. interesting. I find myself more focused, with a peace of mind and a sense of calm that I can't explain. I've been doing lots of work (both physical and mental) all within this place, and trying to burn the days left for Her to come back.

Dinner (or supper if you prefer) became my lunch, and my second dinner would come around 4am. I'd study in the early hours of the Night, and breathe in the silence, the darkness, the mystery of the shadows.

It's been fun. But it has to end, I can't go on with my life like this: soon I'll be getting a couple of new jobs (yes, two) and I'm starting my classes (last quarter before I finish!), plus, I can't seem to be able to get a social life like this. Or at least, not with the people I know..

Living here has become much more bearable: I'm completely left alone, no one will bother me. And I don't have to see or talk to Them. I mean, it's barely 11.30pm, and I'll have something to eat in a few hours (today, I woke up earlier). And at this time -usually -my day's just started.

. . .

Regarding the Day.
Well.. I was forced to go out during daytime two, maybe three times. My eyes hurt so much, and my body felt weird. I guess it's been two months without seeing the Sun, what could I expect?
And I noticed I have less energy, obviously.

I'm going to study some more.
Four days until G comes back from Syria. I miss her.

Enchant Creature - Uncommon

Upkeep: 1B
The enchanted creature can't concentrate and must dwell on its pain and helplessness forever. If the enchanted is tapped, it doesn't untap during the upkeep phase.
If Mind Block Leeches is sent to the graveyard from play, sacrifice the enchanted creature.

We've been fooling around for 4 months now.
Everything's falling apart, and I can't get her to move on. She hates my family (as I do) and this is tearing us apart, slowly and with lots of pain.
I can't help it! I've done nothing wrong, NOTHING! I mean, of course I've made mistakes, but I'm honest, and straightforward with my Love, I've given her everything and more. And she loves me too, but... I guess we're poisoned, as she said once...

I wish she'd give me some time, that she'd wait a bit more! I'm so close of moving out of here, just a few months more, and we'll never have to deal with them anymore. At least, not her...
If only life was easier on me, for once...
She wants to see them burn, and I'd do anything for her. If only she would see, that they don't matter..! I keep thinking 'Did Romeo and Juliet stop loving each other because of their families?' but life's not like that, there's no real romance in life...

I guess I'll get used to spending my days like the last two...

Alone.
And sad.
So trapped.

She never opened her msn, so I haven't spoken with her today, just a text msg... I feel so... jhackjadhksbcsljcnskajcn wjlcfhwjdh jch

I've no collateral.
So, I can't move out of here...

I found some nice places, all I needed were three things:

1. Money: $1000 + $800
2. Collateral
3. My parents, to sign the contract

What did I get? Nothing! I can afford it, I really can. But as I haven't finished my studies yet, I can't get a steady job. So no one will rent me a place. And my fucking parents won't help me out here.

I need them to sign the contract, but they won't do it for me. And I can't ask anyone else...
As for the collateral, I've no one to ask, either...
I'm fucked up. I'm trapped, stuck here, for as little as three months, maybe six, and as much as god only knows...

I hate this place...

I need some way of freeing myself.
I'm pressured and pushed at work, at the university, at home, with my friends, and with her. Every single part of my life is a wreck.

My slave-like job makes me work 30 hours a week for just $900, and I can't achieve any balance at all, nor am I learning useful skills so I can improve myself. I need the money, I want to fly away...

My so hated university is the thing I hate the most. It's like a prison to me, it's like torture to me. I have to pass my exams, no matter what, and I don't give a fuck about marks, but still, I'm under a lot of pressure, I'm tense.

My friends... I have none!
Yea, pathetic. I've lost them all, and I don't really care, but I need someone (other than her) to talk to, once in a while. I just need to talk about silly computer games, books that I've read or anime, or wargames or history or whatever...

At home, I feel like walking straight into hell. The fiends lash on me because I'm a betrayer and an outcast to them. I just count the days, weeks, until I'm free at last. Maybe death is the real, ultimate freedom, or some crap like that. I just can't take it anymore.
And what if I decided to do them a favor, to obtain something in exchange? What if I thought it was a good move to exchange, say, a stupid appointment of picking them up somewhere, in exchange of stuff worth $600? I know it's materialistic, but right now, spending money is the only pleasure I've got left, and I wanted some new books. And the worst part, is that $420 or something of the total stuff I got is for her! Yea, not for me... But given that I work a month to get $900, I don't see how I could refuse $600 for just an afternoon...

And her... She expects too much, asks for too much, from me... I can give her everything, anything. And still, she'll want more. And that's the way I like it, that's the way I like her, I like her to be. If I wait for her 4 hours in a car, and go crazy, sacrificing other things, to be there on time, she'll say I'm not dressed up. If I killed them all, she'd say why has it taken so long?
I don't know what to do, because most of the flaws in our relationship were caused by the fiends, the globosphere, the globoshitters... And there's nothing, nothing that I can do to ease the pain. I can't even confront them, because I need them to fly away... Yes, how pathetic is that? I'd be like a bird in a cage, like a dog with a leash...

I need time, the day's not long enough. And every waking hour goes by so slowly (for which I'm grateful!) but so empty at the same time; just an expectant wait to see, feel, talk to her, to make it all better. To escape...

I need to escape, right now, the pressure's too much and the tension's unbearable. When she leaves me, for a month, to go on her journey, my life will end. I hope she'll come back to me, I'll wait for her, in my new apartment, my new life. My new peace... And I hope, it can be our new peace...

I see them in the morning, they pressure me. Even when I leave and they're still sleeping, the weight's too much, even for me.

I get there everyday, they pressure me. Even when I work hard on things I can't comprehend, I sacrifice my eyes for money, the weight's too much, even for me.

I meet them everyday, they pressure me. Even when I suggest changes, and offer to complete more-than-fair amounts of assignments, the weight's too much, even for me.

I go out with her almost everyday, she pressures me. Even when we know I'd do anything and leave all behing, going all-in, the weight's too much, even for me. I just can't take it.

...but I won't write about it.

Sutil presencia en todo lo que hago
Mejor muerto que vivir todo esto
No valen mas mi sangre y mi esfuerzo
Daria lo que fuera por estar a tu lado
Y a la noche, cuando tu aliento se escucha
Y la luna vacia, muerta e impotente es
Y el Azul se pierde por siempre en el Negro
Siento tu suave tez
Y terminas mi lucha
Deseo unicamente que llegues a mi
Deseo solamente que termines conmigo
La noche se cierra sobre mi luna
Fue en sueño que te vi,
Tus garras destruyendo mi alma
Muerte inalcanzable, y no me podes tocar
Mi cuerpo es un templo, desecrado mil veces
Mi mente es un templo, derrumbado mil veces
Mi corazon es un templo, abandonado mil veces
Todo es inexistente, la sombra, la pesadilla...
La sombra que cubre a la luna, negra y eterna
No cubre esta alma, sin luz...

.

Parte II

"Que te cuesta entender lo que siento?
Ver por detras de las cosas materiales
El romance no existe, el romance murio
Soy una especie extinta, un idealista mas
El amor, la mas terrible de las condenas
Desearia volver al abismo anhedonico del que sali
Nadie siente amor en verdad
Solo existe un pasaje entre la Luna y el Portal
Nadie ama de verdad...
La sombra..."

.

Parte III

..

Te vere siempre en las noches
Apenas un susurro, un lamento del viento
Apenas un figmento de mi imaginacion
Te vere llegar, languida al principio
Extendiendo tu manto sobre mis terrores mas oscuros
Tu manto sobre mis miedos mas ocultos
Tu gelido toque sobre los escalofrios de mis pesadillas
Te vere llegar, cuando oscurece la esperanza
Y muere la luz, y muere la fe, y muere el amor
Cuando el auto-odio, y sus tan conocidos cortes
Me cubren el cuerpo, los brazos y el alma
Te vere llegar, sin pasos, sin invitacion
Sombra de mi terror, espia de mis pesadillas
Te vere llegar, sin ojos, boca o piedad
Sombra de mis pesadillas, ladron implacable
De mis energias, de mi esperanza, de mi alma
Apenas una imagen, confusa y semi-olvidada
De infinitos falsos despertares entre gritos
Te vere siempre en las noches
Apenas una ilusion, que la mañana no disipa del todo
Te vere llegar a mi, buscando mis calidas fuerzas
Robando mis calidas fuerzas
Te vere recobrar tu profundidad, tu esencia
De mi oscuridad, mi esencia
Y de a poco, sin alguien que me salve
Voy deshaciendome en vos, en tu muerte
Sombra de mis sueños, guardiana de las llaves
Cerras cada puerta, trabas cada escape
Y siento pavor de cerrar mis ojos, de dormir
Siento de a poco, volver, el recuerdo de vos
Te vere entrar en mi cuarto, una vez mas
A robar mi vida en ese baile fatal y tan intimo
Baile que se bailar a la perfeccion
Porque es el baile de la autodestruccion
Y los cortes, la sangre, los sollozos de terror
Mientras inexorable te acercas
A tomar mi esencia una vez mas
Nadie, ni yo, se dara cuenta del error
Que soy inocente, soy puro, soy el Azul
Te vere entrar a mi vida una vez mas
Cuando los circulos se repitan y el karma me torture
Cuando los circulos del odio me golpeen
Con toda su fuerza, y yo los invite
A que me aniquilen, como el autodestructor que soy
Cuando vuelvo a vivir una vez mas lo vivido
Te vere llegar despacito, tomandote tu tiempo
Mis escalofrios, los falsos despertares, la lluvia
El miedo, la pesadilla, el terror, tu toque gelido
Te vere llegar, y esta vez, realmente deseo que vengas
Puta sombra impotente, que apenas si puede rozarme
Por que no tenes la solidez del Negro?
Te vere llegar y nada vas a hacerme ya
Por que no podes hacerme cruzar el umbral?
Te vere llegar con las llaves colgando
Por que no podes reclamar lo que ya es tuyo?
Te vere llegar, exigiendo el pago por mis apuestas
Por que no me quitas del todo el aliento?
Sombra del abismo, espejo de las pesadillas
Te invoco una vez mas, toma de mi hasta el alma
Nada puede quedar, que parezca un accidente
Te vere partir, cuando la luz del sol crezca
Y mis escalofrios y lamentos palidezcan
Y de mi no quede mas que un ente
Un ser muerto en vida, un palido fantasma
La sombra...

..

.

Yesterday (bah, on Wednesday really - it's Friday already!) we celebrated our 3rd month of being together. And we had our first serious fight, over some silly thing I said.
It seems to be always some silly thing I say. I won't try and say it's someone else's fault; it's completely mine usually! But luckily, this triggered a series of events which led us to be completely honest with each other, and now things are even better than before. Karmic reward? I hope so! :]

The Past is past now. I find my previous relationships flawed and pathetic. And my previous girlfriends flawed and pathetic too. They were too self-centered, superfluous, frivolous, promiscuous, selfish, materialistic, and most probably, a combination of all of these things. I can't even think of them now, their faces are all blurry, and it's hard for me to recall their voices or conversations we had. I see some flashes, and remember some moments.
And I find them too.. They were so.. earthly relations... No sign of heavens as NIN puts it. I mean, 2005 brought me some sluts who were with me only for how I look or what I represent, or just passing by. 2006-2007 brought my first real gf and my first adult relationship. It's so pathetic! Everything turns to SHIT.

And I'm not some alien being, as I had become for years. I love Gabi so much, but I want to make it really special. Up to now, I never had a choice =S I'm the reverse of what I should be (being a man and all those chauvinistic concepts we live with in our society) and I feel dirty.

The Past... is past now!

The most weird and wonderful thing just happened!
For a while now, I've been waiting for inspiration to magically return to me. It's been over a year and a half since my brain ran dry. It was partly because I could not fit my ideas into paper (words can't describe perfectly what I wanted to say =S) and partly because my inspiration got killed for several reasons.

But for the last 3 days, I've been having the most vivid, weird and complex dreams I ever had. Dreams that last for hours and hours (and when I check out time, only 30 minutes had passed) and are really.. round and nice, I can't explain it in another way.
And they've been waiting for me to write them down, again. But now, they're no longer silly short-story-nightmares. They are the real deal, and I'm prepared.

So, since I woke up, I've been frenetically writing down stuff, as if something or someone was dictating me, and I'm really glad and astonished: this is really, really good (at least, I really like it) and I see a lot of potential in this.
Maybe after all, it was a matter of time? I hope I'll be able to capture the whole concept this time, and make a good thing out of it!

Mhhh how I hate this! Exams Season's started, and she's so focused on her subjects that we're not gonna see each other until the end of our exams =/
The thing is, I'd like to at least talk over the phone, but for one or another reason, it's been a week since I've been trying to call her in vain. We've chatted a lot through SMSs and msn, but it's not the same, it's so impersonal to have a relationship like this...

I miss her voice, her hair, her hands, her kisses... We went to have dinner with her mom and sister on Saturday, but we were together only a couple of hours, and we had no time to be ourselves at all...

I'm kind of depressed and frustrated. Like a dirt stain over the canvas of my absolute happiness for being with her, and loving her...

=[

After all these years waiting, we're moving. To a different, bigger and nicer place, downtown. But now that the time has come, I'm uncertain of how I feel about this. Sure, it will be nice to change the scenery, and we all really needed the extra space, but maybe I'm a change-averse person.

Still, I'm really looking forward to this whole moving out thing. It will be nice. Gabi might hate the neighbourhood, but I talked to her, and she agreed with me that maybe one can have awful, sad memories of a place (I have awful and sad memories of that same place too) but one can change things, by living new experiences, by moving on. I promised her I'd build new, happy memories for her on that neighbourhood she hates, so she'll stop hating it and feel better about the whole moving idea.

University sucks.
I'm doing 4 subjects this semester (standard amount) and supposedly, they will really help me once I'm graduated. Okay, maybe I don't see it now, but I haven't taken a single note since March!

And not only that, mediocrely (if there's such a word) I've cleared my way through university, as I did through school and college. Not that I'm an idiot or lazy (well, I'm kind of lazy =D) but I want to probe my point, at least to myself: education systems in these kind of countries are completely useless and wrong. I was way ahead of the rest in school (and some others too) so I just slept or did whatever I wanted to, and still could get 8+ (out of 10 points, which is the maximum) effortlessly.

The same applies for university, but in a different way: I can pass all subjects, learning the main concepts, and still do whatever I want to do out of class, unlike some losers who only study and study some more. I know, maybe their degrees will be better, but I don't care, I've learnt as much as they have, and I know more about life than they do.

Amazingly enough, this blog got it's 10,000th view between yesterday and today. I haven't even tried to promote it or to show anything to anyone, but it's nice and strange at the same time :]

Today, it's been a month since She's my girlfriend. I'm really happy, I am. At times, there's a shade around me, but most of the time, I can see the sun, She's my sun, and I'm so in Love -we both are.
Right now, I'm off to meet her at her university!

It's so unfair!

I haven't been sick for years. I never ever catch angina (don't know how that throat sickness is called in english =$) and I've been especially careful about cold weather.

But still, I magically got sick, and I wouldn't mind, but it fell on the week we had both agreed on seeing each other every single day =[

Now I'm afraid that she might be sick too, because of me, and I hate the idea of that! And even worst, we won't be seeing each other on thursday and on saturday.
I hope I'll be feeling better by tomorrow morning, we're going to the zoo! ='[

Ingredientes:

-110g de manteca
-60g de azucar
-125g de azucar rubia
-1 huevo
-1 cucharadita de esencia de vainilla
-225g de harina
-150g de Chocolitos Aguila, semiamargo

Preparacion:

-Precalentar el horno a temperatura media de 180C
-Batir la manteca con los 2 tipos de azucar hasta que la preparacion este cremosa
-Agregar el huevo, perfumar con esencia de vainilla
-Incorporar los ingredientes secos, tamizados, junto con los Chocolitos Aguila, semiamarho.
-Enmantecar y enharinar una placa
-Tomar cucharadas de la preparacion y colocarlas sobre la placa
-Hornear durante 12 minutos aproximadamente
-Retirar las galletitas de la placa y dejar enfriar

And voila! Enjoy! =D

I think, I'm definitely an Absorber.
I'm not sure if there's such a definition, but it's something I just do. I find myself trying to absorb the negative energies out of the people I care about (and sometimes, out of people I don't care about, too) and try to send them my good will so they will feel and be better.

I wonder how some people are Senders, of negative energies.. don't they worry about the repercussions of being like that? The negative karma they're creating on themselves? Or maybe, karma works differently for each of us..?

She's so shiny and perfekt!
And as of today, she's my girlfriend ^^

sicjvlajl fvjafd gleajwtrljhbel bvfjsljvsfalvjsldaj
dskljvfalvjsaf vlsfvjslfavjsflvjsdalkvjs a dv =]

No hay "por siempre" en este mundo
Y te va a doler saber por que,
Soy humano y mi destino es ser mortal
(Sobre su obligo se proyecta el triple seis..)

Last night -as we did almost every other night since I've gotten here to Madrid- I chatted with her. We've been drawing together in Heart and Soul, I can feel it. When she's cold, I worry and tell her to go get something, and when I'm tired for lack of sleep, she scolds me. When she teases me, I know her cheeks get red and she'll deny it to death, and when I tell her how I feel, my hands sweat lightly. And all these silly games we play are like life coming back to my body, after all that time.
I can see now that Amanda was maybe my first Love, but it was unhealthy, and together with Blair, they both were the price I had to pay before I got to her. I feel this could be the best time of my life, but I'm scared of blowing it, even before it starts. Still, I know we're being drawn together with magnetic forces too strong to fight against. Once I get to her, I know exactly how it will be -I've had dreams about it!- and I know it will be a crucial point. But I'm not scared. As strange as it is, I'm overly nervous when I have to give an oral exam, and I'm detached when it comes to human relations (long story...) but for this, my shyness is nonexistant. On the contrary, all her activity and extraversion disappear when it comes to feelings. We're inversed, when it comes to feeligs. And I like it, her non-aggressive nature is so much like my own... I'm writing and writing because if I stop, I'll go crazyyhfjkhfg: our meeting is so close and yet there are so many "obstacles" in betweenn

I'm at the hotel lobby right now. I stayed because I had to study some .pdfs (I'll sit for an exam as soon as I get off the plane tomorrow =/..) and I didn't want to go around anymore, I'm tired.
Well, what can I say? It was a great trip. I had the chance to go to Europe, something I always wanted to do, and I visited some nice historical and cultural places. Once again, I got to compare different societies (the european and my own) and I bought some stuff. I distanced myself from my life and my responsibilities, from my friends and from Gabi. The only thing I regret is not seeing her for almost 12 days..! It's too much, and especially given the frail state of our relationship, it just started and it's still on its growth phase =]

It's strange. Over here, I get noticed much, much more. And I feel good with myself, because temptation could have taken over me, but once again, I can say that my beliefs are right and my way of thinking and feeling is unchanged. I know that many guys I know would have loved to take advantage of the many situations I got into. And I don't care, I don't regret the way I am.
I miss that feeling.. of togetherness. I don't know if that word exists, but with her, I can feel that. And I never looked for something else, I always longed to be really close to someone (again) and I hate superfluous, meaningless things... And over here, I don't like the "feeling" people give me either. Back home, it's pathetic, and I thought it would be different over here. Maybe because Spain isn't much unlike Argentina. I don't know.

* * *

At 11pm we're getting on the plane. The flight lasts 11 hours, but oddly enough, the plane should be landing at 5am tomorrow (there's a 5 hour lag between here and there). When I get home, I'll have some time to rest and at 10am I'll have my exam. I'm not nervous at all -I never am before I sit for an exam- and somewhen I'll send Gabriela an SMS. I have to meet some university people, for 2 different group assignments (bleeehhhh) and then, I have my godfather's birthday, he'll be 42.
I'd love to see her, but it will have to wait till friday, probably. And I'll probably miss my monday's Deutsch class. Still, I had some chances to practice both my Deutsch and Italian over here ^^

Qué barbaridad haber tenido que esperar
para vernos de tan cerca
Desnudemonós y no digamos nada más,
en silencio, tus caricias, son hermosas
Son hermosas

Todo lo que pueda arreglar hoy lo dejaré para mañana
Todo lo que pueda arreglar hoy lo dejaré para mañana

Qué casualidad fue encontrarte justo acá
yo tan puesto, vos tan apuesta
Qué atrevido fui al iniciarte en la verdad
yo radiante, vos tan dispuesta, soy hermoso
Soy hermoso

Todo lo que pueda arreglar hoy lo dejaré para mañana
Todo lo que pueda arreglar hoy lo dejaré para mañana

(This lyrics are ugly, but at some parts, they are beautiful. I'm going to miss her so much, it wasn't the right time for me to leave..)

It's a happy and sad thing at the same time. I'm going to Madrid, Spain, for 10 days with my mother and sister. As she (my mother) is going for work, it's all cost-free for my sister and me, so we'll enjoy some nice and short holidays over there.

But at the same time, it will be a bit over a week where I won't see her, and it will hurt. I know, it will feel so much better once I return, that closeness one gains when taken apart so bluntly, but still, I know it's gonna hurt.

Well, I'm off! :]

I always found her interesting, since we met back then, in march of last year, in our course. And I also thought she was really pretty. Of course, at the time I was still "in between" with Amanda (our relationship had died in january and we were trying to make it work again) and didn't notice her much. But I always liked some things about her - her responsability, her smile, the way she talked, her hair and her eyes, and talking to her while the class hadn't started.

During the year, I tried to approach to her, just as friends, she seemed a nice person - and she was, although she also seemed to resent my level and she mistreated or ignored me at times. But by november, I was actively trying to approach to her, and tried to talk to her but she had a wall between her person and me. By december, I started thinking about her in a more-than-friendly way.

And once we both went away for our holidays (to the same place) I really couldn't stop myself from thinking about her... and then, from feeling about her. I guess it was something gradual, natural and subtle all along. Now, I can't even focus on my assignments! And I think I regret accepting my mother's invitation to Spain. It will be a great trip (just 10 days) but suddenly 10 days seem like an awful amount of days, to be apart from her. I want to tell her in person some of the thing I told to her last night, things I had started telling her last wednesday.

I want her to know, that I think I'm falling completely, utterly and unconditionally in love with her, and that I want to be with her and never leave her. I want to tell her that her beauty is only paled by her sweetness and caring nature, and I never felt like this, not with Amanda. I will never forget her, and a part of me will always, always love her and miss her, but I never thought I would find someone else that would totally eclipse her... I used to tell Amanda she was my moon and my stars and my sky. Maybe she'll always be, but Gabriela is my sun and my light, and that's stronger.

Tiefe Brunen muss man graben
Wenn man klares Wasser will
Rosenrot, oh, Rosenrot
Tiefe Wasster sind nicht still...

Yesterday, I met Gaby at the Facultad de Derecho (the Law University of Buenos Aires) at 3.30pm. She looked pretty, with a black sleeve-less shirt and a colourful skirt. She gave me a tour around her university. It's a wonderful building, it's fully-equipped and aesthetically perfekt.
We then sat in an empty class for a couple of hours, just talking, and slowly, shyly, once again drawing together like that other time in the park. But we went for further explorations of the faculty and then found an empty class on the top floor, and we sat by a window. We were sitting really close to each other.
And I told her that I liked her, so much. And that I felt for her since before we both returned from our Pinamar/Carilo holidays. I told her how I loved talking with her, and how I waited every day to talk to her and be close to her. And she said she felt the same for me, and that she really liked the way I am, and that she had liked me for a long time. And our roles switched; she became shy for once, and I felt like I knew what I was doing.
And I kissed her. And we kissed, and kissed, for I don't know how long. And we were so.. close. I couldn't stop smiling, and she couldn't either, and we were so red on our faces, and she trembled, and our hearts beat fast, as one. And then, some class was about to start so we were kicked out of the room =$
So I walked her to the bus stop and went with her to her place, made sure she arrived safely and went back home. And since then (some 21-22 hours ago) I can't stop thinking about her at all. I mean, I thought a lot about her before, but right now, I can only think of her! And I want to see her, I hope she'll come over tomorrow for the meeting/party/whatever-th ing I 've organised here in my place. I don't even care if my silly friends show up, or my other friends, or if people bore at the party or if the place burns down. I just want to hold her.

First of all, I hope you all guys had a great time this weekend and especially today (although Easter ended like 2 hours ago..!)

I'm back from my short three-day holidays with the family.. I fell way behind with my assignments and readings for the university, so I guess it will be a no-sleeping week for the most part =/
I've got no news from her since saturday (we chatted a bit over our cells) and it's kinda strange that I'm actually missing her. I mean, we're just friends.. yet. And maybe next time we see each other we won't be friends anymore, maybe we'll be something more. I really look forward to that.

I've been thinking a lot during this trip (I had to, as I spent most of it on the back of a car staring through the windows) and I really hope I can get over my traumas once and for all. It's not like I'll stop being in pain, but maybe I can really hide it, because she's so "sunshiney". I want to replace that hole in me with someone I care about and who really cares about me, and I feel Gaby might be the one... I think I could fall in love with her, and it's been a long time since I had these nice feelings, for the second time in my life I had this sensation, as if the sun was right about to rise beneath the eternal clouds...

I'm off to bed =]

She's gone for a week.

I brought back the rain.

Mhhh no sé, pero tengo un poquito de miedo. No sé, pero tengo un poco de miedo porque odio no saber. No me gusta no saber si ella está pasando por lo mismo que yo estoy pasando. Me parece que sí, pero no lo sé, espero y quiero creer que sí..!

Mi msn empezó a malfunctionar otra vez, y eso arruina charlas que podrían ser más que perfectas (por su culpa, son sólo perfectas =] haha)

Bueno, me voy de acá. El visitcounter está jammed it seems =/

This is a song I love by a group from here (Argentina) called Miranda!, and I translated it to English to see how it looked...

How foolish I was, how late I realised
how could you lie to me, how could i believe you?
It seems to be easy for you
doing to anyone what you did to me
You made me believe you'd love me so much
that you'd adore me, and now you're gone
You'll want to talk, you'll apologise
You'll cry a bit and then you will leave..
(I will say no to this,
don't you apologise
Can't you see it's humiliating
how you beg on your knees, purr-lease!)
I understand your game,
to lie under your veil
provokes an ambiguous feeling in me
Do me a favour now,
if it's not true then don't cry
at least have some honesty in the end!
If you're serious about this
I'd rather you made haste,
let's agree on not seeing each other, but now!
I cannot stand this
you're finally leaving me
I'd like to leave before I start to cry..
Talking like this hurts me so much
I look at us from outside, I can't believe it
And while we both say more than we should
I start to forget you, and start to think
how sad it all looks, how dishonest and cheap
that you'll play martyr, that you wanna talk
that in truth, it's not that you don't love me!
but the lies are way heavier than you..
I understand your game,
to lie under your veil
provokes an ambiguous feeling in me
Do me a favour now,
if it's not true then don't cry
at least have some honesty in the end!
If you're serious about this
I'd rather you made haste,
let's agree on not seeing each other, but now!
I cannot stand this
you're finally leaving me
I'd like to leave before I start to cry..
Purr-lease, I should have known
Late night when you called I knew you'd leave me today
But -no!- no it's not the first time today,
it's been a while since I've been expecting this day to come
You know what? I won't let you go,
I won't let things be so easy for you, oh no!
I'll try to kiss you before you leave,
touching your hair and drawing you towards me
I understand your game,
to lie under your veil
provokes an ambiguous feeling in me
Do me a favour now,
if it's not true then don't cry
at least have some honesty in the end!
If you're serious about this
I'd rather you made haste,
let's agree on not seeing each other, but now!
I cannot stand this
you're finally leaving me
I'd like to leave before I start to cry..

Gabrielle, my belle
Sont les mots qui vont tres bien ensemble

(Not sure if my French's correct, but I don't care ^^)

Okay, it's saturday, 6am but I want to write about the previous day. It was a really nice day. I went to classes in the morning, nothing important. But the good part is that I went out with Gaby in the afternoon. I had a great time with her, and she said she had a great time with me too. I'm kind of shy, and all the crap I've been through has made me really insecure about what to do next, but I'll ask her out again, and just do the straightforward thing (although in some cases, it might be a mistake..) of telling her that I like her. I know I like her, and I know she likes me, and she knows that I know and all those "I know she knows I know" etc, you get the idea.

I'm kind of happy. I'll make the rain stop for a couple of days, people are complaining to me about it already. I guess I could make the clouds disappear for a couple of days, and go out with her, and I honestly hope things will work out for her and for me too.

I'm sharing some of my classes with this girl who was a really close friend, once. She's totally ignoring me, and I understand it (yes, right now my self-esteem is even lower than my security..) but it would be nice to really know how it all happened. Was it because of her jealous bf at the time? Or my jealous gf? Or because I kind of distanced myself, or the fact that we didn't share any classes anymore? Or because of my so-called enemies..?

Yesterday I ran onto another old friend. Bah, she wasn't a friend, she was an acquaintance, but still, we sat together for almost a year, back in school, and we used to talk. She totally ignored me too, and I ignored her.

And this could go on and on. I guess relationships die and you can't help it. Not unless you're willing to sacrifice a lot. And for some friends, I've sacrificed a lot! And still, it didn't work for me... everyone I know goes away in the end...

I'm in a foul mood.

But tomorrow, I'm going out with someone I like...

the ants are in the sugar,
the muscles atrophied / we're on the other side,
the screen is us and we're tvs

spread me open / sticking to my pointy ribs
are all your infants in abortion cribs

I was born into this, everything turns to shit
the boy that you loved is the man that you fear

pray until your number,
asleep from all your pain
your apple has been rotting,
tomorrow's turned up dead

i have it all and
i have no choice but to / i'll make everyone pay
and you will see

you can kill yourself now because you're dead in my mind
the boy that you loved is the monster you fear

peel off all those eyes and crawl into the dark,
you've poisoned all of your children to camouflage your scars
pray unto the splinters, pray unto your fear
(pray your life was just a dream..!)
pray your life was just a dream, the cut that never heals

pray now baby,
pray your life was just a dream..
(just a dream...)



[I am so tangled in my sins that I cannot escape]
[I am so tangled in my sins that I cannot escape]

pinch the head off, collapse me like a weed
..someone had to go this far

I was born into this, everything turns to shit
the boy that you loved is the man that you fear..

peel off all those eyes
and crawl into the dark,
you've poisoned all of your children
to camouflage your scars

pray unto the splinters,
pray unto your fear
(pray your life was..)
pray your life was just a dream the cut that never heals!
(..just a dream)
pray now baby, pray your life was just a dream

the world in my hands,
there's no one left to hear you scream!
no one left for you!
(nooneleftforyou...)

Mhh I thought Flow would like my idea.
I guess I was wrong...

Okay people, I'm not some kind of net slut.
Since I got my VF, once in a while I get some bitch adding me to her msn to try and get cybersex with me, or asking about my size or wanting to see me naked on the webcam.

I mean, in a weird and pathetic way, I feel flattered. But actually, no, I don't feel flattered at all. I don't give a rat's shit about those things.

End of the message.

It's been a while. But here I am again.

I got back to bs as, and I've been resting. Partly, because I was a bit sick and need to fully recover. Partly, because it's 35-40ºC outside every goddamned day =S, and partly because there's no one that I want to see right now.

I have a silly plan to try and get my life back. It's completely impossible that it will work out, but still, I need to try.. I have nothing better to do with my life anyway...
If I don't try, I'm better off dead. And I really like her so I might as well give it a shot =]

I'm still gone, still over here, in Carilo...

Today I turned 21. I'm legally an adult now.
I'm off, I don't feel in the mood to write anything today.

I hate day number 21, it means I'm not with her anymore, and she's with him, and I'm alone. Usually, I try to do something not to think about this every 21, but she always reminds me of it by abusing me on the net or the cellphone or whatever...

I'm out of here...

My PC died almost 10 days ago, so I couldn't post here at all, I've been stealing my mother's pc to connect for a while, but not much else with computers.

Okay, I celebrated my birthday, or something like that. I invited over some friends on the night of the 14th. Lucas, Daimy, Mar, JP, Tomi, Pato, Gaby, May, Luli, Tefi, Fer, Santi and Tincho for a while.

It was.. fun.
I hate not having a pc.
So I'm out.

Suddenly, I feel I'm closing up again...
I can't talk and I don't want to go out anymore (it was a short-lived need I guess), and I feel undesired and bored...

How sad, today I had my 16th and last Drama Class. We agreed on continuing together next year, but it's so far away still...

"Farewell this blackened eye, you learned your lessons falling down, far behind, and tracing footsteps home...

Despite your lack of pride, you wore your imperfections well.. dignified.. spend your time alone...

Trace your footsteps home..

Your hands are always reaching out of favour
Your kind are only good for bad behaviour
Your mouth was never one to trust, you're always speaking out!
Falling far behind, falling out of line...

Farewell this bitter tongue, you spoke your lessons falling down, talking out, and breaking silence...

Despite the harm you've done, you swallowed your rejections well, amplified.. sing your song alone...

Trace your footsteps home..

Your hands are always reaching out of favour
Your kind are only good for bad behaviour
Your mouth was never one to trust, you're always speaking out!
Falling far behind, falling.."

Today I wrote a letter to myself.

I'm really depressed...

I'm fed up, of always being the one who sacrifices for the rest; I'm always forced to plan for the rest, to organise everything, to be nice, to be diplomatic... People don't make plans for me, don't organise, they are not nice to me, they are not diplomatic... so why must I be like this..?

Hmmm... I want to be alone. I mean, it's all over with Blair, and I don't have someone else I think I'll be with. Actually, I don't have someone else with whom I think there might be something...
And in the blur of the moment, as everyone seemed to be as down as me, things changed. Everyone I know is happy and content and pleased with everything... I'm fucking not. It's not fair... I try so hard, and I get nothing...

I think I'm thinking, at moments, of someone..

But I'm so sad...

Okay, I had bought this really gorgeous book with Edgar Allan Poe's complete works for my ex, and on sunday I found it, cheaper, and I really want it. And I saw a similar book with William Shakespeare's!

I want them! =(

Dear Mr Steven,

I love you, but I can't help you. You're alone, you're lovelessly abandoned and no one cares about you. It pains me so much to even think of your situation, but it's not that I haven't done my best... I'm really sorry...

Mhhhh...

Well, I made my mind. It sort of complements what I said earlier today: I'll just let things unravel (if such a word exists and if that's it correct meaning heh) and will do the best I can.

I need friends... I don't need the ones I already have, I don't care anymore about the ones I already have...
I feel so lonely, and this loneliness only grows... as years passed, I became more and more isolated... from my kid friends, then from my childhood friends, then from my all-time school friends, then from my family, then from my new friends, then from the people I met throughout my life... then from the girls I dated... then from my Love... and the list will only grow as I age and fade and die...

I know, it's probably the moment, but I feel more and more tired of things. It's not that I'm feeling suicidal or anything, it's been ages since those times it seems, it's just that I want to have people like me... maybe I found a few, but I'm so shy, I'm a hedgehog...
I would love to just live my life alone and not caring, but I can't!... I care...

promise me to pass the time,
dance with me on plastic tears
Kiss me - we won't feel alone
till morning when we disappear...

I don't know why, but lately I'm really tired all the time. I eat well - and a lot although I'm thin! - but I'm just tired and without much energy.. it's obviously mental, but I can't solve it right now...

There is no god up in the sky tonight
No sign of heaven anywhere in sight
All that was true is left behind
Once I could see now I am blind
Don't want your dreams you try to sell
This disease I give to myself

 
How does it feel?
How does it feel?

She makes it sweeter than the sun
I get too tight I come undone
I bow my head to confess
The temple walls are made of flesh
Runs up my arms 'til I'm on track
Itches my skin right off of my back
I'll heal your wounds I'll set you free
I'm Jesus Christ on Ecstacy

How does it feel?
How does it feel?

[whispered]
I am so dirty on on the inside
I am so dirty on on the inside
I am so dirty on on the inside
I am so dirty on on the inside

How does it feel?!
How does it feel?!

Suck
Suck
Suck
Suck

[whispered]
A thousand lips a thousand tongues
A thousand throats a thousand lungs
A thousand ways to make it true
I want to do terrible things to you

The show was great, in spite of the excessive amount of EMDM and the fact that he arrived left, left early and played just 12 songs...

I only ran into a couple of undesirable people, but I didn't even talk to them. I was seen by several fotologgers it seems, but I didn't notice them, it wasn't a pity though...

It's just that me, I suck at everything I ever do...

Why is it that people who don't deserve it, have something that might be real love, and happiness, and enjoy the best of life...

Why is it that others, are put through hardship and pain and suffering or loneliness and bitterness and have nothing or feel only pain or fear or regret...

There is no balance, no justice, no nothing...

I can't concentrate.
I need to study but I can't even start!

It's not that I need to study so desperately, but still I need to start and finish with some stuff, I haven't started with one of the subjects =S

Born in the time of darkness and evil under the Sun of God
Glory's my mother, fire's my brother, sword's my only law!
Into the land of chaos and hate, there is no place for me
And for the conquest of justice and honor I will use my steel!

Holy Flame
burn again for eternity
Burn my heart to win!
The holy war is awaiting another fiery king

Rage in my heart, crossing the forest, riding my black horse
Across the valley, along the river where the hot blood flows!
Over the lakes and over the hills I follow the call of the wind
Uphold the legend! And for my princess I will fight and win!

Holy Flame
burn again for eternity
Burn my heart to win!
The holy war is awaiting another fiery king

"Lord of the Thunder, please be my guide
Before and after my last fight
I'll be your soldier, serving the Light
burning forever, alive and proud"

[Interludes]

Holy Flame
burn again for eternity
Burn my heart to win!
The holy war is awaiting another fiery king

"Lord of the Thunder, please be my guide
Before and after my last fight
I'll be your soldier, serving the Light
burning forever, alive and proud"

I've made my decision. I will do my best.

I know that -given a choice- I wouldn't even bother, I would focus on the rest of it, I would just live on..
But seeing it from a diferent perspective, the other one I truly have, I need to do this.. I need to give it a try, to get to know someone else much better, to move on.

Of course, the other half of my mind feels dirty and betrayed and whatever. But you know what? Fuck the other half of my mind =S
I'm really sorry. Things don't work out. Things fall apart, things end. And I want to feel close to someone again, as I haven't felt close to someone during the whole year (except for a few, counted days with her, when we'd still see each other...)

But the thing is, I made up my mind..

I've been trying to correct my silly little "book". I mean, it hasn't got chapters, just loads of separate .docs and no coherent shape.
But I'm feeling lazy about giving it a more decent form, that would mean I finished it, and for some reason, I don't want to ever finish it.. or at least, not yet!

I guess it's kind of an occupational therapy for me, I've thought of that a lot. And during this time, I couldn't even write a word about other stuff I like even more than this story, but it wasn't the same with it...

Someday I'll publish a lot of books, when I become bored with business and chemistry and everything. I mean, look at JK Rowling, she was already middle-aged when she became the world's richest writer and the most succesful one =D

Okay, I got myself into a nice Taller de Escritura, I'm really looking forward to it. As I'm really looking forward to my next Acting class (L).

Actually, I'm also looking forward to some other stuff; I want to forget about her.. well, more than forget her, to stop thinking at all of her and to go on with my life. I'll try to approach this slowly, I've never done something like this before.
This is all new to me... As a matter of fact, I've never asked out a girl, just my ex, who was my only gf ever. It's kind of lame, I know, but I'm a really romantic guy and I'm really reserved.
I ended up going out with sluts and bitches who asked me out and I went out of curiosity or to give them a chance. And nothing ever came out of going out with them. So the thing is okay, I was wondering, how will I ever move on, if I'm like a turtle or a hedgehog, enclosed in myself?

But okay, I know I can, I know I have it in me...

So is everybody this lonely when they're in love?
They embrace a pain that's deeper than the shadows?
It's all to make us shine, I just know it...

I love you, I love you
I gaze at you with my heart
I believe in you, I believe in you
Even on the coldest of the nights

I call out to you with my tears
But I don't need any promises
That's the precious strenght you've given to me

i can't take it seeing you gone
having given you all that i am
all i'll ever be, all i was
future's black, future's black
no one will help me, no way back
i fall down, i'm on my back
and no one sees me, i'm a memory
no one believes in me, i'm a god
no one wants me for what i lack...

i try so hard
i tried to change
i think i made it*
but lost in the way

if ever i could start again, faraway from here
i wish i'd get what i want, a second chance
no pain no fights no lies no fear
having you back, having you here...

I'm so out of love.
Time will see if I can heal.
I chose an eternity of this.
..Well-deserved and so painful solitude.
I will be strong.
I know Love, they don't.. she doesn't..

I've been reading a lot lately, and I've realised -as I walk or do other stuff- that everyday, being apart hurts less. It's not that my love diminished at all, a part of me will always feel for her, and I realised I started loving her way before I told her so; I fell in love after a couple of days of meeting her, because I just knew...

I started thinking, as I've always thought, about how people are so pathetic. Everyone's a slut, no one knows the real meaning of the word love, because most people switch bfs/gfs with such ease... Not that it doesn't hurt them or whatever, they just go from a person to the next, and it's something I don't want to ever do...

And after some time, they end up with someone they might be very fond of, but whom they don't really love as that one true love they might even not have found in their lives...

Will I end like that?...

I'm just empty...

I wanted to put Pornography (an album by The Cure, of course) but it could attract unwanted attention to my peaceful little blog.
Well, today I had a long, hard day. And yesterday, and the day before, and all the way up to monday, if I'm asked...
I dropped from di tella. It was almost the only thing I wanted to do at all. And start with Letras, that is I even went, on tuesday, to the UBA building and met an old friend who's studying there. I loved the place, I really fell in love. And I got back, with the idea of waiting for a while to tell my parents about my decision.

But of course, things didn't turn out as I wanted...

Why's that? Because it's my karma, my destiny, to screw up every time. Not even once can I have things my way, life's always shit for me...
For some weird reason, my mother approached me and asked me funny questions; how were my subjects going, how was I coping with the people in my class, etc. Of course, I tried to lie at first, but I couldn't hide, for the last two days, my deppresed voice, so she just said what I wanted to hear, if I wanted to drop economics.
I told her so, and she freaked out. I didn't dare mention letras, because with the mention of leaving the university -something I hinted for months and months- she would freak out and lash at me.
I also want to study Chemistry, so I told her I wanted to study that, and that I was gathering information about it.

To make a long story short, I ended up changing from economics to business, because they wouldn't have me throw so much time, effort and money like that...
They wouldn't see how it is for me...
They wouldn't see that I'm not what they think I am...
They wouldn't listen at all...

Back then... I wouldn't have feared this scenario... I was told by her that I could stay at her place, live with her and her mother if I had to. And the idea was like one of the few shining things I had... like seeing the sun coming out faraway; even though I was defeated and hurt and cold, I believed I'd always have the possibility of living with them and being happy... blissful oblivion... but no... now I have no way out...

I had to surrender... as I always did... And I'll finish business in 2 years time, if everything goes well...
In the meantine, I'll start chemistry and take it slowly...
And for letras... someday I might do that too... who knows?...

Right now, it's friday night, almost midnight.
I'm alone at home, been reading and listening to my music... while everyone's out, having fun... oblivious to my solitude... to my loneliness...
And deep inside, I've always been like this, so alone... So defeated, so abandoned, so dead... Dried, tied, hurt, beaten down...

And I wish I had someone for me, I wish I could feel love for someone...

I just can't =/

First of all, I'm leaving utdt for good. Then, I went to English, I have to finish my mock proficiency exam. In the afternoon, I bought HP4 and went to the places in my dreams. And in the evening I went to Deutsch, really fun. Some people left, and there's a new girl. It's kind of pathetic, poeple.

Anyway, my ex hates me and regrets ever meeting me. My so-called friends showed up during the weekend, once. My family will kill me when they learn the news about my universitarian career.
I want to study Quimica AND maybe -most probably- Letras. I want to study a lot of English and give classes, I want to teach and to write.

I want to live... I want to love...

I'm starting to believe someone went through my stuff.

Definitely, it's the first time ever I forgot to hide my Diary. It won't happen again.

I´m back home.
I'm exhausted, I slept just a couple of hours, and had dreams of Harry Potter and Voldemort and ended 2 against 1, while my dreams within my dreams ended up 3 against 1. I'll always say that the best simulation is a dream, and better still, a conscious dream.

I don't have space on the wall, and I really want to go out with my new clothes. Unfortunately, I don't have where to go with them, and the few invitations I already got aren't appealing at all...

I told no one I was going away.

Just a couple of people found out, because of my family telling them, and of course, my family knew too. I just wish I could be gone for good, and stay here in Canada, or just somewhere else, somewhere special; and never see again the beautiful people I left behind. None of them at all.

And the weird part is that, apart from my parents and my uncle/godfather and my grandmother, no one even cared that I was gone. I mean, I got a call from a friend who didn't know I was still gone, and that's it. And I'm glad. This means I have severed the links to my previous self. And now, I'm free, and I'm no longer a worm.

Well, I tried to open up this when I was at home, but for some reason the country I live in is considered so third world and undesirable that I couldn't.
Anyway, I just wanted a place to put stuff I liked or thought without needing to have a damn fotolog.

Right now, I'm in Canada. It's almost 35 degrees outside and I can't take it, so everyday I come back to the hotel a bit earlier than I'd like to, to cool down, to rest my feet and to eat something. (And to read a bit too <).>Once I get back home I'll edit this a bit more and post more. For now, it's goodbye.